An Exercise In Futility

My mind is constantly abuzz with all sorts of contemplation. Frequently, this includes thoughts on morality, consciousness, life and death. Not just passing thoughts, but actual ponderings, musings, and wonderings about the intricacies of everything. When I was in highschool, i thought a lot about killing myself. Many, many people I know thought about it too; maybe you know some of these people, but didn’t know that they ever seriously wanted to die. The reasons they/we had were possibly even silly, laughable, but in our heads we had built up some sort of horrible insurpassable mountain that was real and the only way over it was death. But we got past that, moved on. Of course, nobody who ever thought about that is ever going to forget that they thought about it. And for someone like me, who has a natural tendency to analyse things, I can’t help but think, again, about the consequences of such things. It makes me laugh to think that after pondering on the subject for 15 years or so, i suddenly ‘have a problem’ because i’ve chosen to write something down about it. Perhaps there’s a reason for not talking about it - because people will label you as dangerous or mentally ill. Give me a break. How can it be a bad thing to say to one’s self, “I’m alive today… what if i was to kill myself; what would the consequences of that be? Would I go to heaven? Is there a heaven? Would people notice? Would people still exist or am I the center of the universe? Would everything i’m involved with just carry on or would it all fall apart? How would people react? Why would people react? Is death the end of something or is death the beginning of something?” Look, I could go on forever about this - because that’s what happens in my head - a neverending series of questions being asked and possible answers being mulled about. I realize the context of the passage (previous post) was quite desparate sounding, but that’s the consequence of writing such a short piece on such a complex subject. So please accept the fact that you probably misinterpreted everything I had to say, because i didn’t write it for anyone but myself. That said, yes, i do need to see a mental physician of some sort, but that’s to do with my anger problem. Did you know I had an anger problem?

I am pretty depressed at the moment. I feel like the whole world’s weight is on my shoulders, and that everything i do is wrong. I must have a mental disorder or something, since i frequently feel like punching myself in the face, or bashing my head into a wall until it’s a bleeding pulp. I keep trying to think of failsafe ways to kill myself, because it would be pretty terrible to do a crappy job and merely render myself incapacitated, and then end up hooked to some sort of machine unable to turn it off because some fuck thinks it’s ‘wrong’ to let my vegetable body just die in peace. Sometimes i think that the only reason i can’t kill myself is that i’d feel terrible about leaving other people high and dry (ie, abandoning work and other resposibilities)… but i wonder if maybe i’m actually afraid of dying, and i just can’t admit to it.

Last night I attended the Nanaimo Linux User Group meeting here in town. I had hoped it would be a great way to meet like minded linux users, and maybe find out something new, and maybe share some knowledge, and also have fun at the same time. I was severely disappointed. When i arrived, the atmosphere was unwelcoming. Nobody introduced themselves, i was practically ignored. So i took a seat at a table where we were watching a guy (the “leader” of the group i gather) demo knoppix and mandrake 9.2. Unfortunately, he was one of those sorts who thinks he knows everything about computers, but does not. He was demoing programs he was unsure about, so wasting a lot of time clicking around looking for stuff. Pretty much everyone else there was silent.. except for one guy, who obviously DOES know his stuff, as he would make corrections and comments now and then. I tried to offer a few comments but was mostly ignored. After an hour of this bullshit, I got up to leave and nobody so much as turned around to say bye. I will not be attending NanLUG ever again!